Thoughts, Post Funeral

So, I traveled to Pocatello, ID this past weekend with Madelyn for my Grandma's funeral. Pocatello is not an easy place to get in and out of, and traveling with a toddler through a whirlwind weekend is never "fun," per se, but I am SO thankful that we went. I wrote in my last post that I didn't know my grandma very well. Growing up, we lived pretty far away from my dad's extended family, so we didn't really get a chance to know any of them well either. The few times I have gotten a chance to spend with them, however, I am reminded of what good, fun, warm people they are, and this past weekend was no exception. I thoroughly enjoyed my time with these relatives, but we all commented on how sad it was that Grandma wasn't with us given that she loved nothing more than seeing all of her loved ones in the same room, genuinely enjoying each other's company.

It was also bittersweet for me because hearing everyone's favorite stories about Grandma and all of the endearing (or sometimes idiosyncratic!) things they will miss about her opened my eyes to sides of her I never knew existed, or at the very least, sides of her that I had never given fair analysis. No one is perfect, and my grandma was no exception. But she was honest, committed, optimistic, loyal, fun!, feminine, and forgiving beyond measure. I was touched to hear people's comments about how she has impacted their lives, and I came away feeling like I could've related to her and understood her so much more if I had just known those things. Major life lesson: don't wait for a funeral to say--publicly--what you love and admire about someone. They need and deserve to hear it from you, but it might also impact the way someone else views them or relates to them.

Perhaps my favorite thing about this weekend was interacting with my grandpa and feeling hopeful about a renewed relationship with him. All I saw this weekend was a broken, hurting man who needs forgiveness and love just like the rest of us. He said "I love you" as we all walked out the door for the last time, and if I never hear it again from him, that will always stick with me. My dad invited him for Christmas this year, and I sincerely hope he comes. I can't help but wonder if Grandma's death will end up answering her own prayers to bring Grandpa closer to his children and grandchildren...

Anyway, it was a great weekend despite the sorrowful catalyst. Madelyn was so patient and flexible with the go-go-go on very little sleep, and her presence provided wonderful levity and a visual reminder that life always goes on. She really cozied up to her Great Aunt Sue, too, which was super cute. "Sue! Sit by Maddie!" "Where's Auntie Sue?" "Sue come to Maddie's house?" Nothing like the affection and laughter of a child to help you through a sad time.

I love you, Grandma. Thank you for quietly and faithfully loving me. I loved getting to know you better this weekend and sincerely wish we could've talked about a few more things. As my sister so beautifully said, "I would be honored to someday have someone tell me, 'You remind me so much of your Grandma...'" Shoe shopping will forever make me smile and think of you :)