Presence

Ok, bear with me here for a moment, 'cause things are gonna get a wee bit cheesy...

Story #1: You remember that movie Win a Date With Tad Hamilton, right? Umm, of course you do. You won't admit it in public, but I know you've seen it and I know you found it witty and charming...I won't tell a soul. There' s a part in the movie where the boy who's in love with the girl (can't remember their names...I didn't say it was my favorite movie) pours his broken heart out to the female bartender (who's also a childhood friend) because the girl has chosen the handsome celebrity Tad Hamilton over him. The bartender listens but then confesses to the boy that she's been in love with him since they were kids and frames it like this: "You're my Tad Hamilton. Everybody is Tad Hamilton to someone."

Story #2: There's a blog I follow called Joy the Baker. You should absolutely follow it too. Joy is the most adorable gal who can make a mean cookie and take a gorgeous photo but is also vulnerable and sweet and makes you feel like you're her best friend. She just turned 30 and lives by herself in LA and seems to genuinely enjoy her life. Nevertheless, she writes with an air of longing for a life she hopes to have one day: husband, babies, etc. She included a photo in her most recent post of a friend cooking in her kitchen holding her baby with her toddler playing on the kitchen floor at her feet. She commented on how sweet it is that the little boy is playing so close to his mama and specifically said that she hopes to have kiddos to fill her kitchen one day.

It occurred to me that I am Joy's Tad Hamilton.

I look around my house most days and this is what I see: toys stacked and packed into every corner, piles of laundry waiting to be folded, dried spit-up in overlooked places that I keep forgetting to wipe clean. I wear yoga pants and no make-up most days, I am exhausted all the time, and my husband and I have been trying to get out to a certain restaurant for four years with no success. Tantrums, whining, crying, vomit...sleep, wake, repeat.

But. Amidst the chaos, there's a gorgeous baby in my arms and a beautiful girl playing at my feet. My house is filled with toothy smiles and rippling laughter. I get to witness the wonder of new discoveries and soothe the pain of hurt fingers or hurt hearts. I host regular living room dance parties, know all of the best parks in Portland, and breathe in baby sweetness as little Henry falls asleep in my arms at least twice a day. Snuggles, kisses, adventures, joy...sleep, wake, repeat.

Believe me, there are plenty of "Tad Hamiltons" in my life. The "green-eyed monster," as my friend Took calls it, rears his ugly head all too often when I hear stories about traveling or see women dressed super stylishly or learn about major career achievements. I am embarrassed that I often choose to focus on what is missing from my life rather than what is so abundantly present, but I can honestly say that not a day goes by that I don't feel overwhelmingly blessed to be Madelyn and Henry's mommy.

Today, this moment, I am my own Tad Hamilton.

Henry showing off his four teeth and his ultra-contagious grin. He turned 9 months old on October 7 which means we have now known him longer on this side of the womb than on the other. Yay for us!

Daddy's and Henry's new favorite game. Given how busy this boy is and how fearless he seems to be, we're starting his ER fund now...

One more good shot of Daddy and Madelyn around the fire. It's also a good shot of our backyard with all of the work that Kurt did last summer. He built the fence and salvaged all of the slate for the patio off the slopes of Mt. Hood. It's become a nice little oasis for us, and we're grateful to have it.

September

Boy am I feeling guilty. This is nothing new, actually, as "Guilt" is pretty much my default emotion, especially since becoming a mother. It's problematic. I'm working on it...but then I start feeling guilty about feeling guilty. It'll be a life-long process. But lately, the guilt-du-jour is not posting enough pictures and stories on this here blog. When Madelyn was a baby, I think I posted at least once a week, even if it was just one photo. Every little coo and expression was documented and shared. Poor Henry. We're taking lots of photos (albeit less than the first time around), but getting around to organizing them or posting them or commenting on them is so, so much harder this time around. Again, going from one to two is most certainly not a linear increase in work load: it's exponential. I try to remind myself that my kids would rather I live life with them than simply document it, so there you go. We have been living large, folks.

Certainly the biggest and most important event was my sister's wedding to our new brother-in-law, Ben. Wowza, what a soiree! If they ever tire of their current careers, my sister and mom can most definitely start a thriving wedding planning business. This wedding was absolutely gorgeous, and no detail went unaddressed. It was stylish and warm and intimate and FUN, and we pretty much celebrated and partied for four straight days. Kelsie was simply stunning...radiant. She and Ben were cool as cucumbers and looked so happy. We all had such a good time! Well, 3 of us did...poor Henry is 0-2 for weddings in his short life and, just like Auntie Kari's wedding, he was not feeling well that day. Thank God for Baba and Mimi who held him and walked (endlessly) with him and ultimately missed dinner so they could just take him home and put him to bed. They were saints that whole weekend, actually, and spent so much time caring for our kids so we could fully participate in all of the festivities (ahem, bachelor and bachelorette parties). I am so grateful to have two sets of grandparents who are so generous with their babysitting time -- what a blessing. The original plan was for Madelyn to go home with Baba and Mimi, too, but she was having so much fun and there were lots of other kids staying, so we decided last minute to let her stay. Oh my goodness, we are so glad we did. She literally danced from the first song to the last song. (With Aaron, the husband of one of Kelsie's bridesmaids, on whom she developed quite a crush. She later explained that it was because he copied all of her dance moves. True story.) The date of their wedding, 09/10/11, also happened to be Madelyn's 4th birthday. Kelsie and Ben were very sweet and thoughtful and had a Hello Kitty birthday cake for her and had everyone sing Happy Birthday to her. A few family members and friends brought her presents, there was bubblegum, and given that she was their Flower Girl, she wore a fancy dress. I suppose it only makes sense, then, that when we all finally collapsed -- exhausted -- into our car at 10:30 and started to drive home, Madelyn exclaimed with genuine wonder "Wow! I can't believe so many people came to my birthday party!"

So. Good, good times. There are photos. Amazing, gorgeous, perfectly lit photos, but so far, those are only on facebook. As soon as I can, I'll post a few.

Our girl is now 4 full years old. She cracks jokes and crosses her long legs when she sits and is currently eating my cupboards bare. Pink and blue have joined purple as her favorite colors, and she has developed an obsession with My Little Ponies worthy of the 1980's (why didn't I save all of mine?!!). She is fiercely independent, but every now and then if we're patient, her lanky body melts into us and we are reassured that she is still our little girl for a bit longer.

She learned how to ride a two-wheel pedal bike while we were in Sunriver this summer, so we got her her own big-girl bike for her birthday. For the most part, she's got it down, but we're still working on starting and stopping on her own (and I think we're learning that she and Kurt do much better in the teacher/student dynamic than she and I do).

Henry Finn is now 8 months old and has solidified himself as Monkey #2. He's an ATV crawler in that he'll just crawl over, under, or through whatever happens to be in his path. His daycare providers tell us that he crawls the same obstacle course every morning when he gets there that always involves taking the path of most resistance. He is especially fond of tunnels, and we find him tucked into the tiniest, most random places. He has recently learned how to pull himself up to a standing position, whether on us, on the coffee table, or in his crib. Consequently, he's had a hard time falling asleep these last few days because he's so fascinated with peering out over the crib and seeing what's going on. He's pretty proud of himself, and so are we! Henry gives the best kisses, too. Big, open-mouthed, drooly smooches that can last for several seconds. And he makes this little affectionate "ahhh" sound along with the kiss that just melts our hearts.

Goodness, what else? We went to the beach the weekend after Kelsie and Ben's wedding with my parents just to relax and wind down. It was Henry's first time to the ocean. It rained the entire time, so you know...we set some realistic standards for his time at the coast. But the Oregon coast is always beautiful and restorative, even in the rain, and we proved ourselves as natives:

Madelyn's first day of school. She has her same teacher and classroom as last year, so she's very excited.

I really failed in the garden department this year. The sun and heat were poky like they were last year, and I just didn't put forth enough effort to compensate. I was so looking forward to our big tomatoes, and they all got blossom end rot. Major bummer. But our Sungolds and our cucumbers did pretty well. Madelyn was really into picking them, and one night she suggested making a tomato and cucumber salad for dinner. So we did.


Backyard fire pitting is always a good idea. Now that the weather has cooled down, we are thoroughly enjoying ours. Madelyn roasts her marshmallow and then sits in her camp chair contemplating the fire like an old soul. We all go to bed (and wake up) smelling like a campfire which is just fine with me.

Packed This Month Full

What happened to August? Good grief, we've packed our calendar with all kinds of fun stuff this month (there has been a fair amount of puke as well, but I'll spare you those details). Lots of bike riding, lots of frozen yogurt, lots of fresh fruits and veggies, recently lots of grilling (new grill!), lots of army crawling and tooth cutting, lots of hula-hooping, and our annual trip to Sunriver with our friends. Good times. Good times. And we've got a lot more fun stuff coming up soon 'cause Kelsie and Ben are gettin' hitched in ten days! Which is why this is all I have time to write right now, so these few (adorable) photos are going to have to suffice.

Oh Be Careful Little Nose What You Smell

Since Maddie started preschool back in September, she comes home about twice a month with a new song she has learned. She goes to a Christian school, so they are typically Bible songs or prayers -- often ones that I remember singing in Sunday school when I was a little girl. One such song goes like this: "Oh be careful little eyes what you see/ Oh be careful little eyes what you see/ For the Father up above is looking down with love/ Oh be careful little eyes what you see." It's meant to teach children to resist things that might lead them into sin, and it continues with four more verses covering all five senses. Certainly, one can readily see how the eyes, ears, mouth, and hands can lead one into temptation...but the nose? Kurt and I laugh and laugh when we hear our little girl earnestly singing "Oh be careful little nose what you smell..." as though at any moment she'll catch a whiff of something sent straight from Satan. Kurt's theory is that perhaps it's an early "Say No To Drugs" campaign...i.e. snort flowers not crack.

Now, I put my foot in my mouth all the time...but not exactly like this :) I think he's training to be a yogi. He's a Portland boy after all.

Mommy sandwich!

Madelyn diving into a cake pop made for Auntie Kelsie's bridal shower. Yum!

Kurt and me at The Allison for our 8th anniversary. We just went for breakfast, but someday (you know...in five or six years!) maybe we'll actually stay the night.

Lemon buttermilk pancakes with strawberry and raspberry compote. Yes we did.

This series of photos is called "Like Son Like Father." Henry has great facial expressions, and we all like to try to copy him (remember Maddie's "gangsta baby" imitation?).

Imagination at Work

This series of photos could also be named "Signs." I love walking around my house and discovering little signs that children not only live here but are imagining here. I never quite know the full story, but I kind of like it that way...makes me get to use my imagination too :)

What Would You Do...

...for a peaceful evening and a good night's sleep? Would you beg and plead with your preschooler, thus confirming once and for all that she is, in fact, the boss of the household? Would you begin using questionable discipline techniques that you swore you'd never use? Would you bribe said child with a bowl full of processed sugar for each morning that she goes to bed without a fight?

Yes, yes, and sadly, yes.

Our Madelyn is a vivacious child with a fabulously imaginative mind and an insatiable curiosity. She giggles easily and has the best facial expressions. She has a kind, inclusive heart and loves to be a helper. The majority of the time, she is flexible and compliant and polite such that I start to think I must be a pretty darn good Mommy to have produced such a wonderful kid.

Then, inevitably, bedtime rolls around. I've said it before, and here it is again: anyone who doesn't believe in a carnal nature needs to spend some time with small children. No matter how positive and euphoric the day, bedtime arrives and our girl morphs into an impulsive, crazed, wild thing whose limbs and vocal chords seem to be functioning in total separation from her brain. She tears through the house and cackles and bounces incessantly with the energy of a possessed being. Once we finally manage to wrangle and rope her into her bed -- patience completely depleted -- we read stories, say prayers and close her door for the night with a sigh of relief.

And for the last year or so, that's when the fun really begins. With her spirited personality comes a frighteningly strong will. If she doesn't want to stay in her room, she's not going to stay in her room, no matter how exhausted she is or how awful things get between us. We have tried absolutely everything just shy of locking her in her room and the only reason we haven't tried that is that she would kick the door so hard it would likely crack (it's an old house after all). She can be motivated by incentives, but those incentives work for three, four weeks at best before they lose their novelty and the mischief becomes more appealing once again. Currently, she earns a (small) bowl of "treat cereal," typically something with fake marshmallows in it, for every night that she doesn't come out of her room. This kills me, folks. I am a huge proponent of healthy eating and have worked so hard since the day she was born pumping her body full of whole grains, raw veggies, and fruits in all colors of the rainbow. Watching her inhale a bowl of processed sugar first thing in the morning literally makes me cringe...but it is most certainly worth a peaceful evening with our precious daughter and a public admission that parenting is the most humbling, word-eating, prayer-inducing job ever.

Now. Make me feel better: what are you doing with your kids that you swore you'd never do?

America the Beautiful

Every summer (typically in June) we visit the rose garden at Washington Park for a picnic and some flower frolicking. This year, we combined our visit with our friends, the Smoots, and the 4th of July; what better way to celebrate the official birth of America the Beautiful than amidst some of this country's most gorgeous scenery? For all of this country's faults (and there are many...and I think it's important to acknowledge them and continue addressing them), I am so grateful to live here with the freedom and pursuit of prosperity that our government affords.

Nearly six years ago, Took and I were just a couple of social workers with a common passion for children, fancy bags, and Jesus. Two husbands and six children later, our respective families are finally complete and we can take a group photo without knowing that it will no longer be accurate within a year :)


Maddie looks like Snoopy in this photo -- laughing with her head tipped back as far as it will go.


Sitting by the "Queen Jan" plaque -- an annual tradition.