Thoughts, Post Funeral

So, I traveled to Pocatello, ID this past weekend with Madelyn for my Grandma's funeral. Pocatello is not an easy place to get in and out of, and traveling with a toddler through a whirlwind weekend is never "fun," per se, but I am SO thankful that we went. I wrote in my last post that I didn't know my grandma very well. Growing up, we lived pretty far away from my dad's extended family, so we didn't really get a chance to know any of them well either. The few times I have gotten a chance to spend with them, however, I am reminded of what good, fun, warm people they are, and this past weekend was no exception. I thoroughly enjoyed my time with these relatives, but we all commented on how sad it was that Grandma wasn't with us given that she loved nothing more than seeing all of her loved ones in the same room, genuinely enjoying each other's company.

It was also bittersweet for me because hearing everyone's favorite stories about Grandma and all of the endearing (or sometimes idiosyncratic!) things they will miss about her opened my eyes to sides of her I never knew existed, or at the very least, sides of her that I had never given fair analysis. No one is perfect, and my grandma was no exception. But she was honest, committed, optimistic, loyal, fun!, feminine, and forgiving beyond measure. I was touched to hear people's comments about how she has impacted their lives, and I came away feeling like I could've related to her and understood her so much more if I had just known those things. Major life lesson: don't wait for a funeral to say--publicly--what you love and admire about someone. They need and deserve to hear it from you, but it might also impact the way someone else views them or relates to them.

Perhaps my favorite thing about this weekend was interacting with my grandpa and feeling hopeful about a renewed relationship with him. All I saw this weekend was a broken, hurting man who needs forgiveness and love just like the rest of us. He said "I love you" as we all walked out the door for the last time, and if I never hear it again from him, that will always stick with me. My dad invited him for Christmas this year, and I sincerely hope he comes. I can't help but wonder if Grandma's death will end up answering her own prayers to bring Grandpa closer to his children and grandchildren...

Anyway, it was a great weekend despite the sorrowful catalyst. Madelyn was so patient and flexible with the go-go-go on very little sleep, and her presence provided wonderful levity and a visual reminder that life always goes on. She really cozied up to her Great Aunt Sue, too, which was super cute. "Sue! Sit by Maddie!" "Where's Auntie Sue?" "Sue come to Maddie's house?" Nothing like the affection and laughter of a child to help you through a sad time.

I love you, Grandma. Thank you for quietly and faithfully loving me. I loved getting to know you better this weekend and sincerely wish we could've talked about a few more things. As my sister so beautifully said, "I would be honored to someday have someone tell me, 'You remind me so much of your Grandma...'" Shoe shopping will forever make me smile and think of you :)

Theresa Dyke Bickley

This past Tuesday, only 19 days after losing my Grandma Johnson, my Grandma Bickley also went home to be with Jesus. While my Grandma Johnson's death was expected and a relief given her long-suffering, my Grandma Bickley's death was so sudden and unexpected, it has genuinely shocked our family. She was sitting in her chair talking to her oldest daughter on the phone when she had a massive heart attack and died before my grandpa made it to her side, minutes later. She was only 79 years old and while she had some health complications, she was by all accounts nowhere near death. I'm not sure which is worse: to see a loved one suffer physically for an extended period of time or to have a loved one die so suddenly that you don't get to say a proper good-bye. Neither is easy.

For me, my Grandma Bickley's death has been a very different experience than my Grandma Johnson's. I emphasize that these are my feelings, and not everyone in my family likely feels the same. My Grandma B's life was filled with complicated relationships and circumstances. Regardless of how they occurred or were perpetuated, she was often in the position of having to choose the "lesser of two evils," so to speak. I can't imagine having to make some of the choices she had to make in her life, and while I've never felt that I really understood my grandma, I also genuinely empathize with how difficult it must've been to navigate her life. My grandma loved Jesus and sought His will in every minute detail of her life. She had stated repeatedly to numerous people that she just couldn't wait to get to heaven and meet her Lord, and as with my Grandma J, I am thrilled that she is Home, basking in the affection and affirmation of Christ. Her entrance into heaven was also greeted by her mother, daddy (who just adored her), a particularly special aunt (Tada), and her infant child, Timothy, whom she only had the pleasure of knowing for six hours before he died. Can you imagine how whole she must feel right now?

Sadly, I did not know my grandma well. Here are a few things, however, that I have always admired and loved about her:

1. As I stated earlier, Grandma always had one of the most dedicated and intimate relationships with Jesus. He was as real to her as any other breathing human being, and I have always wished I could experience the same kind of spiritual relationship. She was also a prayer warrior with a genuine God-given gift for intercession. I have known every day of my life that she was always praying specifically for me.

2. She was a lover of words and gifted with the English language. She loved to experience new things and write about them, but she could find beauty and something worth noting in even the most mundane, normal things of life. I, too, love words and love writing, and given that she loved to see her traits in her children and grandchildren, I think that made her happy.

3. Grandma was a master crocheter. She has been crocheting as long as I can remember, and the detail and complexity in her pieces has always genuinely impressed me. I have a stuffed turtle that she made for me decades ago as well as a beautiful afghan. She also crocheted a gorgeous baby blanket for Madelyn before she was even born that is even more precious now.

4. Grandma had a contagious laugh! It was definitely not a loud or boisterous laugh, but I think that's what made it so hilarious. When she really thought something was funny, it just kind of squeaked out of her, as though it was against her will. Her whole body would shake and sometimes she would start to tip over. One time, while watching Planes, Trains, and Automobiles at our house, she nearly fell off her chair one tiny giggle at a time. I especially love that my dad has this same laugh :)

5. She and Grandpa have always had some type of RV or camper. I always thought that was super cool as a kid. Beds and potties on wheels. What could be better than that?

6. She never forgot a birthday or any other special occasion. That takes organization and commitment.

Touche, Mom

So my kid is smart...maybe the smartest kid on the planet. Ok, I know I know. This is most likely not true, but I'm her mother. I'm allowed to think these things and post them on my very own blog :) Seriously, though, it is amazing to watch a brain develop. I am amazed on a weekly basis at the things that Madelyn is observing, analyzing, deconstructing, and retaining. Here was this morning's conversation:

Maddie: "I need a banjo, Mommy."

Me (knowing she has never seen a banjo nor heard the word "banjo"): "You need your BeeBee? You need your ball now? You need a big girl?"

Maddie (looking slightly confused): "No, Mommy. I need a banjo."

Me (totally going to call her bluff): "Ok Maddie. What is a banjo?"

Maddie (after about 10 seconds of thought): "A banjo have-a strings and make-a music and use-a your fingers." BIG SMILE.

Me (mouth agape): " "

Kurt, who was doing the dishes in the kitchen, immediately turns the water off and comes rushing into the living room. He asked me if I've ever taught her what a banjo is to which I replied "You mean you haven't?" We just started laughing, and she's looking at us the whole time like "What is the big deal? All I wanted was a silly banjo..."

Anyway, this might not sound like such a big deal to any of you. I guess when it's your own kid and you are watching them learning new things all on their own, it feels pretty amazing. That and I genuinely like a good tune on a banjo, so if she wants to learn how to play, I can definitely support that :)

Carolyn Maxine Walker Johnson

My gramma went home to be with Jesus this evening around 5:45 p.m. Her death was not sudden or unexpected. She has been living a sort of half-life for the past year and a half, and to be totally honest, I was relieved when I heard the news. My gramma was a feisty, independent, on-the-move lady who always had somewhere to be and someone to visit. Being confined primarily to her bed these last few months at the mercy of everyone else's schedule took her spirit away a lot sooner than her body was taken away. No way to spend one's last days, and yet as some wise person once said, it is a gift to experience our bodies failing us so we can genuinely embrace death as a blessing and crave it. I know my gramma craved death. She has missed my gramps since he died two and a half years ago much more than she anticipated, I think. And she has mourned the loss of her "able" life. I smile to think of her spirit reunited right now with her husband, her parents, her five older siblings, and dozens of her lifetime friends. And she's in the presence of Jesus. Not too bad for a September evening...

My gramma would quickly silence me with a "ppffttt" and a wave of her hand if I tried to wax poetic about how fantastic she was; she was one of the least boastful and self-centered people I've known. Fortunately for me, the reality of who she was and the kind of grandma she chose to be poses no need for over-exaggeration: every time I saw her, from my earliest memories until the last time I saw her with my husband and daughter 12 days ago, she made me feel like her world was richer, more beautiful, and more blessed because I was in it. Every time. What a priceless gift for a grand-daughter to receive from her grandma. That kind of love is permanently woven into the fabric of children's hearts and has a quietly profound impact on the way they view the world and, perhaps more importantly, themselves. Gramma (and Gramps) loved her grandchildren deliberately, generously, individually, joyfully. For me, my grandparents' love has always provided a beautifully human and tactile metaphor for how much our Heavenly Father loves us...

I miss you, Gramma. I've been missing you for months now, and my heart insists upon being sad even though I know you wouldn't want that. I am thrilled that you are Home, and I am genuinely comforted knowing that I will see you again someday. I love you...and I'll have the 49'ers at the Pancake House and a trip to Nordy's in honor of you this week :)

Our Chatty Girl

Here are a few videos of our favorite girl for you. The only one that needs a bit of explanation is the first one. Madelyn was blowing bubbles in her milk one day when we were out in a restaurant and Kurt told her that we don't blow bubbles when we're out and about (a standard that I would've also set). A few days later while eating lunch at our house, she did the same thing and then stopped and looked at me and said "Daddy say 'no no no' blowing bubbles." I told her that it was ok for her to blow bubbles when we were at our house, but that out in a restaurant, it wasn't polite (a standard that I was sure Kurt would've been just fine with). What she took away from that conversation was what you will see in the video--evidently "the location" didn't really register with her and all that mattered was "Daddy said one thing and Mommy said another." So the attempts to parent-split begin...

September Shenanagans

Madelyn is officially two years old. I'm quite sure I will say this every year, but I can't believe it. I can't count her age in months anymore. She's looking more and more like a little girl and less and less like a little baby (thank God for night-time--she still looks like a baby when she's sleeping!). The little nuances of her personality are emerging every day. And most amazingly, she decided four days after her birthday that it was time to use the potty...which she has done without accident for three straight days now. Who could've guessed that Mommy and Daddy would get a gift for Madelyn's birthday too?!!

Kurt took her birthday off of work, and the three of us had a fun day together. We visited the playground at Washington Park in the morning and then took our pancake-loving girl to the "Original" Original Pancake House for lunch (even Maddie "mm-mmm'd" when she tasted their pancakes!) Amazing!


A couple days after her birthday, Madelyn got to spend the weekend with Nana and Papa while Kurt and I ventured up to Seattle to see Pink Martini with his parents and sister at the Chateau St. Michelle winery. If you have never had the ear-candy delight of listening to Pink Martini, you must leave your computer immediately and download all of their albums. This post can wait, people :) They are native to Portland, so Kurt and I have had the fortune of seeing them several times. They always put on a marvelous show, but what could be better than sitting on a lawn surrounded by rolling hills covered in grape vines whilst sipping Chardonay and Cabernet Sauvingon? With fabulous company! We had a great time (in spite of the horrifically intoxicated floozie, er, woman sitting next to us who finally staggered out behind her husband mid-way through the second act. Honestly. Why pay all that money for a ticket when you're not even going to remember the event? Whatev.) Kari played quite the hostess, and I left her apartment on Sunday with a list of adorable decorating ideas. Anyway, it was a fabulous weekend for us, and Maddie enjoyed the full attention of her Nana, Papa, and Auntie Kelsie, so she certainly wasn't missing us much (though she did cry for us before bedtime, which, admittedly, made me feel kinda good). We are so blessed to have our parents close by so we can all have little weekends like this--thanks to both of our families! (p.s. We don't have any photos of our trip to the winery because evidently, the winery falls just below Langley on the security scale and we had to take all of our cameras back to the car. Grrr.)

Finally, here are a couple of photos of our house. The first is from April 2008 when we pulled up the front lawn and planted some new plants. The second is from just a week ago. Amazing how things grow, hey? We look forward to planting even more in the front yard next spring, and we're also planning a major overhaul of our backyard. Fun stuff.

Purplicious Perfection!

Madelyn will be turning 2 (TWO!!) on September 10, so we had a birthday party for her yesterday. I love planning parties and I especially love a good theme, but I was initially a bit stymied as to which theme to pick for this party. Madelyn loves Elmo and Abby from Sesame Street and she loves Curious George as well but none more than the others. It finally occurred to me one day that my daughter has a particular passion for the color purple. When we began working on colors with her, we focused on the basics--you know, red, blue, yellow. She didn't seem to be particularly interested and she certainly wasn't distinguishing any one color from another, and then one day, inexplicably, she correctly identified everything purple that crossed her path. Go figure. Since then, she has gravitated toward all things purple and will answer "purple" if you ask her what her favorite color is (which is now a fully informed assessment since she has also correctly learned the rest of the rainbow).

Hence, a Purplicious Birthday Party.

It was quite a houseful, but the kids all did great and seemed to really enjoy playing together!

Lea, mercifully taking charge of helping the kids frost and decorate their purplicious cupcakes.

Madelyn specifically instructed both Kurt and me to wear a "fancy dress" to her purplicious party. Neither of us had anything that would suffice, so I went shopping in my sister's closet, which will from now on be my favorite place to shop (she being the maven of all things stylish and whimsical). Kurt managed to talk Maddie down to a purple button down, which he pulled off quite well. I was impressed, actually, with all of our guests' purple ensembles! Well done, folks!


We put on some music at one point and had a little dance party. Here's Maddie gettin' down.